Professional nitpickers just like family

I SPENT an inordinate amount of time during January crashed outon the sofa in front of Foxtel's Life Style You channel trying tolearn how to like myself again after another of those familypackedfestive seasons. I found that there was something primitivelyrestorative in watching other people get endlessly harangued abouttheir shortcomings by professional nitpickers just as opinionatedas my extended family and, before long, I was feeling much betterabout myself, thanks for asking. The professional nitpicker of How to Look Good Naked(7.30 weeknights) is stylist Gok Wan and the women on his show justadore him. Every episode, Gok somehow convinces someone else thatsashaying around a shopping centre in the nude will be "alifechanging experience" for her instead of the more conventionalview that: "Um, that's the behaviour of a madwoman, actually." I confess, though, that I, too, was drawn in by Gok's style ofabracadabra. If any other man dared to chirp such sparky asides as"She should balance those hooters with a full skirt!" and "She'sgot a cracking body that needs disrobing!", I would slap him firmlyacross the face after carefully removing his expensive eyewear soit didn't get broken. Advertisement: Story continues below But Gok's power of persuasion is nothing short of remarkable. Inmy house, his advice would be received with slammed doors and sulkysilences but here he gets an elaborate thank you ceremony performedentirely in a primeval language of gasps, sobs and meaningfulhandholding. After watching a few episodes, I'm ready to see him try out hisimpressive persuasive skills in a more competitive setting 8212;maybe a spin off series pitting him against fellow bespectacledhipster, photographer Terry Richardson, in a fierce battle to seewho can convince more women to take off all their clothes in thequickest time. It would be worth producing a show such as this for the lucrative advertising tiein potential with the optometryindustry alone. Holidate (9.30pm Wednesdays) sets about improvingviewers' selfesteem in a different Canada Goose Expedition Parka way by numbing themin to such a state of boredom that they forget who they are, there by making it metaphysically impossible for them to hate themselvesbecause they no longer know whether they even exist. It's clever like that. The premise of the show is to not only combine two words intoone ridiculous portmanteau word that's annoying to say out loud(try it) but also to get two women to swap cities and go on severalblind dates, each against the backdrop of a vivifying new setting,such as Boston, where it rains every day. The dramatic tensionhinges on the ageold theme of: "Who will she pick for a seconddate?" But all the men are so gorgeous and good natured that the question of whether she'll end up with someone wonderful is about as nailbiting as trying to guess how long it might take for apacket of twominute noodles to cook. One of the girls in the episode I watched chose the tall doctor;the other chose the tall high school teacher. I felt momentarilysad for the tall engineer, the tall software analyst, the tallaircraft salesman and the tall photographer who didn't get picked but that's about as emotionally tangled up in this program as Icould make myself get. I quite liked Coleen Rooney at first (Coleen's Real Women, 9.30pm Thursdays), mainly because her accent reminded me of Ringo Starr. Her brief is to stride purposefully around thestreets on a mission to find "real women" to compete againstprofessional models for highprofile advertising contracts. Thissounds harmless enough but about halfway into it you realise howsilly it is once the team of hair and makeup stylists has had its way with Coleen's real "geels", they manage to acquire the photographic portfolios and pouting skills of professional modelsanyway. The reason I was really put off, though, is that I made themis take of Googling Coleen and discovered that she's the wife of afootballer and worth about a trillion billion dollars.

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